One of the things I truly despise about being an adult is the weight on my shoulders of making decisions. How stupid I may sound but it's totally true! I don't have a problem in the world making decisions like where my son is going to school, what I'm going to spend my money on, how to decorate my new apartment, how much money I save every week, what I'm going to get accomplished on Tuesdays and then what gets put off until Thursdays (my two free days at work where we don't see any patients). None of this bothers me... I welcome these sort of decisions, but when it comes to decisions that have long-term effects or consequences.... I've been having major issues.
I've always been a super independent type of person. Got my first job at 15 and was making a car payment and half-way supporting myself by 16. But now that I am a single parent, it doesn't seem to be coming as easily. For example: making the decision to move into this apartment. I was living (for free) in my parents' vacant house because they work out of state and it took me 8 months to find a place to live! Making the decision was so overwhelming I couldn't get it done in my mind. Example #2: my job.... I'm being faced with the decision to stay with the doctor for another year, with only a small raise, or quit him altogether based on the HOPE that I find a teaching job (because that's what my degree is in) by August. OMG, I was supposed to have this decision made about 13 days ago and thankfully the doc hasn't pressured me for my response because I seriously don't know what I want to do. Teaching is what I ultimatelythought I wanted to do because it's the career field I chose, but staying with him another year would be sooo easy. No changes would occur. It's not as much money as teaching is but I can survive on it. Everyday I keep thinking that I'll wake up and the answer will just appear inside my head and I'll feel good about it, but so far.... nothing.
My problem is so classic I totally know what it is! I'm simply scared of making the wrong choice and then being stuck in it for a length of time with no way out..... this is exactly what my marriage was. A wrong decision on my part that I was stuck in and miserable because of it. I haven't been happy in a long time and now that I feel close to happiness the fear of losing it has sure enough reared it's ugly face in my situation.
Talking it all out, even to the unknown world of bloggers, has helped a little. I also know that once me and the doc sit down and start talking I'll be able to use his reactions and responses to help give me a better idea of whether I'll be able to live up to his expectations and be happy doing so. Wish me luck everyone!!!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Alone Life
Two whole days completely alone and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. All our laundry is done... both bathrooms are spotlessly clean... we are officially unpacked and as organized as we can be until more furniture is bought... a full week's worth of groceries is stored in our cabinets... I have nothing else to do to really be productive. I've gotten so much accomplished in my alone time this weekend but it's been lonely at the same time. I miss my Lil Man.
I can still remember a year ago, which was the last summer in my marriage, and I was so miserable. I was literally aching inside to simply be alone. To be away from the man I was married to and the drama that came with him. I wanted to run and never look back. Even now I don't regret making the decision to finally leave, but it is lonelier than I anticipated it would be. My Lil Man keeps me so busy and occupied during the week that the new adjustments in my life don't have the opportunity to sneak up on me and overwhelm... but on the weekends where I don't have much going on and I end up staying at home alone to be productive, it hits me. Today was one of those days.
On a happier note, my best friend's wedding is this upcoming weekend as well as Father's Day. My mother, father, sister, and grandmother will all be coming into town and we will be spending all day Sunday together. This is something to look forward to! My family is so very close that it has really been hard on all of us since my parents and grandmother went to work out of state. My younger sister, the only real sibling I have and the other half of myself, lives in a city about two hours away from me. This is not too terribly bad. Since I have more free time on the weekends, I drive to stay with her A LOT so we never go more than two or three weeks without seeing each other. This weekend will be the first time seeing our parents and our grandmother since Easter. And the only reason we're getting to spend this weekend together is because my parents are in Louisiana. It's within a days drive. When they are way up north or out west on a job we might go three or four months before someone flys home for a long weekend. This is not my ideal situation for my family but it cannot be helped right now while work is so good for them. They must go where the jobs are.
I already fear that the week will begin a little slowly since I have a lot to look forward to this next weekend but hopefully it will be a good, slow week!
I can still remember a year ago, which was the last summer in my marriage, and I was so miserable. I was literally aching inside to simply be alone. To be away from the man I was married to and the drama that came with him. I wanted to run and never look back. Even now I don't regret making the decision to finally leave, but it is lonelier than I anticipated it would be. My Lil Man keeps me so busy and occupied during the week that the new adjustments in my life don't have the opportunity to sneak up on me and overwhelm... but on the weekends where I don't have much going on and I end up staying at home alone to be productive, it hits me. Today was one of those days.
On a happier note, my best friend's wedding is this upcoming weekend as well as Father's Day. My mother, father, sister, and grandmother will all be coming into town and we will be spending all day Sunday together. This is something to look forward to! My family is so very close that it has really been hard on all of us since my parents and grandmother went to work out of state. My younger sister, the only real sibling I have and the other half of myself, lives in a city about two hours away from me. This is not too terribly bad. Since I have more free time on the weekends, I drive to stay with her A LOT so we never go more than two or three weeks without seeing each other. This weekend will be the first time seeing our parents and our grandmother since Easter. And the only reason we're getting to spend this weekend together is because my parents are in Louisiana. It's within a days drive. When they are way up north or out west on a job we might go three or four months before someone flys home for a long weekend. This is not my ideal situation for my family but it cannot be helped right now while work is so good for them. They must go where the jobs are.
I already fear that the week will begin a little slowly since I have a lot to look forward to this next weekend but hopefully it will be a good, slow week!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Lazy Life
Well, my Saturday has turned into a very lazy day for me. After getting my highlights touched up this morning and then doing a little shopping to get ready for bachelorette party this week I am now back at home and don't want to do anything except watch movies and read and relax. I don't get days like this very often so when they come around I feel the need to take full advantage.
I'm going to make a quick run down to the movie store and pick up a few good ones to get me through the night. It definitely looks like it's just going to be me, me, and me so I certainly don't have to worry about what anyone else is in the mood to see... just need to decide what I'm in the mood to see!
I'm going to make a quick run down to the movie store and pick up a few good ones to get me through the night. It definitely looks like it's just going to be me, me, and me so I certainly don't have to worry about what anyone else is in the mood to see... just need to decide what I'm in the mood to see!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Weekend Life
TGIF!!!!!! I love Friday afternoons because the countdown to my first free night is underway. It’s such a fun feeling that helps the end of the work day go by faster. On the agenda tonight is Fugi Steakhouse takeout (the best in town), wine, and a movie over at a friend’s house. It’s just us girls because everyone’s husband or boyfriend or fiancé are all at a car race that’s this weekend… Men and their toys. J
So, Friday night will be relaxing and enjoyable and then Saturday morning it’s off to the salon to get highlights redone because the wedding is in one week. My roots are in serious need of some attention. As well as the split ends I’ve been sporting around for the last month waiting on the wedding to get closer so I could have everything looking good and freshly done for my best friend’s big day. Afterward, we will be driving all the way to Little Rock (where the closest malls are) and spending the rest of the day shopping for the last few things needed for the wedding. My best friend is so awesome… she has single handedly planned her entire wedding pretty much by herself. Me and her mother have helped with everything she needed us to but the whole thing has been taken care of by the bride herself. And the scary thing is… she’s not stressed out at all or anxious or anything. She’s a mutant bride-to-be, a new species that has incredible abilities.
Everyone enjoy your Friday evening in your part of the world!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Thursday Life
Today has been a day. I feel as though I need to take a deep breath, let it out, and then drink two glasses of wine. Work was boring and looooong. I literally had to bribe myself into staying at my desk for six hours and then, as if I had been physically tied to the chair, I ran to my car shouting a hurried goodbye behind me to our cleaning lady and flew out of the parking lot. Pheeeewwww!
At home now, I am watching my son play in the floor with his trains while we wait on Daddy to come pick him up for a long weekend out of town. He's very excited. Once he's gone I will have to drive with my best friend to go pick up all the vases that will decorate the table tops at the reception. This won't be so bad, but I'm feeling a little lazy tonight and seriously just want to curl up with that wine and my new book. But duty calls!
The more I investigate this world of blogging the more I'm liking it. I love reading what so many different kinds of people find interesting. It's so refreshing from the narrow perspective that I feel like my life is. As a young person I always considered myself to have a broad perspective on life and all that it has, but the older I am getting.... the smaller and more minuscule I am feeling. Maybe it's because I have more of a mental grasp on what life really is all about now... who knows. Maybe it's because we ARE really small and minuscule in the great scheme of things... who knows. But being somewhat connected to the entire world through blogging, or the Internet in general, is great in my opinion. I enjoy it and the more I see the more I love.
At home now, I am watching my son play in the floor with his trains while we wait on Daddy to come pick him up for a long weekend out of town. He's very excited. Once he's gone I will have to drive with my best friend to go pick up all the vases that will decorate the table tops at the reception. This won't be so bad, but I'm feeling a little lazy tonight and seriously just want to curl up with that wine and my new book. But duty calls!
The more I investigate this world of blogging the more I'm liking it. I love reading what so many different kinds of people find interesting. It's so refreshing from the narrow perspective that I feel like my life is. As a young person I always considered myself to have a broad perspective on life and all that it has, but the older I am getting.... the smaller and more minuscule I am feeling. Maybe it's because I have more of a mental grasp on what life really is all about now... who knows. Maybe it's because we ARE really small and minuscule in the great scheme of things... who knows. But being somewhat connected to the entire world through blogging, or the Internet in general, is great in my opinion. I enjoy it and the more I see the more I love.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Single Life
Only being divorced for 6 months doesn’t make me an expert on single life… especially because I was married at 19, barely old enough to have experienced single life before the fact… but I do have some very strong opinions about this lifestyle and how hard it is. I guess all these thoughts have really consumed me here lately because I haven’t been casually dating. I did when I was newly divorced because I had a little more freedom and it was simply something to do to keep my mind occupied on something other than stress. Now I’m somewhat bored in my freedom and am actually finding myself getting lonely and wishing I had just a friend of the opposite sex to go out to dinner and a movie with! I have plenty of girlfriends to go and do these things with, but… let’s face it… there is something about that male attention and company that even your best girlfriends cannot make up for it. I’m not even looking for a long term relationship right now, I’m not even sure if I believe a long term relationship is possible for my life, but I have noticed a new feeling lately of loneliness that I wish I could shake with a night out with the girls.
Single life in the new apartment is all I had hoped for plus some! For the first time in my adult life I have my own space and my own place in which to do with what I please. This may sound selfish coming directly after a paragraph about being lonely, don’t misunderstand me, but I married into a ready-made family where children from a previous marriage were in the middle and going from my single, first year in college to being a step-mom forced me to completely conform to a life that I didn’t get to decorate or organize. It’s so silly but one of my biggest complaints to my ex-husband was the fact that I didn’t get to be a part in picking out any of the furniture in our house. His house, his things, his children were all there waiting on me and I just melted myself and my life into theirs. Of course I chose this based on the fact that all-consuming love would be enough to get me through, unfortunately, after 6 years together, my young, naive heart couldn’t make it. There was no all-consuming love anymore. Everything I felt was gone and it had left me long before I physically chose to leave. I didn’t want anyone to live in misery anymore, so I left. We have both remained extremely close since and I think we always will. My apartment is great!!!!!
Now, all this being said… I am in the right place in my life right now. I know the decisions I have made were not the best, but I am making them work the best that I can now. Being single is very difficult, especially when you are a single parent. I just have to keep telling myself all these things in order to be content where I am and love my son every day the way he needs me to.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Moving Life
For the past 4 days I have been moving me and my Lil Man to our new apartment. I am so sore it is unreal. This apartment is an upstairs unit, so all of our furniture and all of our belongings had to be hauled up a flight of stairs. Thank you for good friends and family who are there to lend a hand. I would've never been able to do it by myself.
I am very very excited about our new home. This is the first time I've had an apartment of my own since my divorce. It's great to be able to decorate the way I want, organize the way I want, and live the way I want. It's a little bit of an adjustment but a good one. It is located right in the middle of town so the amount of gas that I use every week is seriously going to decrease. I am very glad for this... gas in my area is fluctuating between $3.65 and $3.90 a gallon. On my income this is a huge expense every week for me. I'm sure there are places that it is much more expensive out there so I should be thankful it never topped $4.00 but I hate having to budget my gas. I only want to have to budget my bills... my debt, but this is life for now.
On a completely different note, my best friend's wedding is in 13 days!!! We are all getting very excited but a little anxious. It still seems there is so much to do in order to get ready and our time is ticking away. I'm trying to have the best possible outlook on the situation as best I can, but unfortunately as a person who has experienced marriage and then divorce... my perspective is a little jaded. I really don't mean to be, but it just is. And don't get me wrong, if I had to pick two people that I know that I think will one day celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.... it would be my best friend and her fiance! They really will be the couple who makes it until "death do us part". I have no doubt in this, but it's still hard to be completely into the wonderful celebration when so much of the traditions seem fake and meaningless to me. As the maid of honor I have several very important jobs to fulfill and I fully intend to do the best that I can to ensure their special day is exactly what they deserve.
I hope everyone's weekend has been a great one and hopefully Monday will be great too!
I am very very excited about our new home. This is the first time I've had an apartment of my own since my divorce. It's great to be able to decorate the way I want, organize the way I want, and live the way I want. It's a little bit of an adjustment but a good one. It is located right in the middle of town so the amount of gas that I use every week is seriously going to decrease. I am very glad for this... gas in my area is fluctuating between $3.65 and $3.90 a gallon. On my income this is a huge expense every week for me. I'm sure there are places that it is much more expensive out there so I should be thankful it never topped $4.00 but I hate having to budget my gas. I only want to have to budget my bills... my debt, but this is life for now.
On a completely different note, my best friend's wedding is in 13 days!!! We are all getting very excited but a little anxious. It still seems there is so much to do in order to get ready and our time is ticking away. I'm trying to have the best possible outlook on the situation as best I can, but unfortunately as a person who has experienced marriage and then divorce... my perspective is a little jaded. I really don't mean to be, but it just is. And don't get me wrong, if I had to pick two people that I know that I think will one day celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.... it would be my best friend and her fiance! They really will be the couple who makes it until "death do us part". I have no doubt in this, but it's still hard to be completely into the wonderful celebration when so much of the traditions seem fake and meaningless to me. As the maid of honor I have several very important jobs to fulfill and I fully intend to do the best that I can to ensure their special day is exactly what they deserve.
I hope everyone's weekend has been a great one and hopefully Monday will be great too!
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