One of the things I truly despise about being an adult is the weight on my shoulders of making decisions. How stupid I may sound but it's totally true! I don't have a problem in the world making decisions like where my son is going to school, what I'm going to spend my money on, how to decorate my new apartment, how much money I save every week, what I'm going to get accomplished on Tuesdays and then what gets put off until Thursdays (my two free days at work where we don't see any patients). None of this bothers me... I welcome these sort of decisions, but when it comes to decisions that have long-term effects or consequences.... I've been having major issues.
I've always been a super independent type of person. Got my first job at 15 and was making a car payment and half-way supporting myself by 16. But now that I am a single parent, it doesn't seem to be coming as easily. For example: making the decision to move into this apartment. I was living (for free) in my parents' vacant house because they work out of state and it took me 8 months to find a place to live! Making the decision was so overwhelming I couldn't get it done in my mind. Example #2: my job.... I'm being faced with the decision to stay with the doctor for another year, with only a small raise, or quit him altogether based on the HOPE that I find a teaching job (because that's what my degree is in) by August. OMG, I was supposed to have this decision made about 13 days ago and thankfully the doc hasn't pressured me for my response because I seriously don't know what I want to do. Teaching is what I ultimatelythought I wanted to do because it's the career field I chose, but staying with him another year would be sooo easy. No changes would occur. It's not as much money as teaching is but I can survive on it. Everyday I keep thinking that I'll wake up and the answer will just appear inside my head and I'll feel good about it, but so far.... nothing.
My problem is so classic I totally know what it is! I'm simply scared of making the wrong choice and then being stuck in it for a length of time with no way out..... this is exactly what my marriage was. A wrong decision on my part that I was stuck in and miserable because of it. I haven't been happy in a long time and now that I feel close to happiness the fear of losing it has sure enough reared it's ugly face in my situation.
Talking it all out, even to the unknown world of bloggers, has helped a little. I also know that once me and the doc sit down and start talking I'll be able to use his reactions and responses to help give me a better idea of whether I'll be able to live up to his expectations and be happy doing so. Wish me luck everyone!!!
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