January has come and gone and I don't miss it! That month was "supposed" to be my transition month at work and "supposed" to be my laid back month at home, but the exact opposite happened. Due to some major changes around the office I just now, this past week, got caught up enough that I was able to get the last of the year-end stuff done. I swear just when you think, and plan, for things to go a certain way and you feel good about it, God opens a big, hidden, surprise door over on the side and steers you through it. Changes, changes, changes!!! But with open hands and an open mind I think we are going to succeed and implement these changes smoothly.
Now, work aside... my personal life has changed a little as well. My programmed mindset of being a single mom and doing things on my own has had to alter just a little because... here we go....... are you ready...................... I am seeing someone..... like in a relationship. WOW! It's out there now :)! This is not at all what I expected and not at all what I planned on, but this person, from my past, has somehow established a place in my everyday life and in my heart as well. This has really taken me by surprise. Old fears and apprehensions have resurfaced, but I feel a very strong desire to commit and know deep down that it is inevitable. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life alone, but I'm so worried of hurting this person, and I'm so worried that I don't know how to give my heart to another and trust that our love will last forever. I hate that my mind and heart are so jaded about this. I wish I could erase my memories and bad experiences so that I could really revel in how happy I feel with this person. And most days I succeed in doing this and focusing on the present and the positive... just not everyday.
One of my New Year's resolutions was to wake up every morning with a more positive outlook on life, especially where my job was concerned and my son. To be grateful and happy to be there even if I'm a little tired or a little under the weather and to not harp on the perfection I sometimes expect but to enjoy who my son is as a person. Well, I'm adding to that resolution.......... I'm going to wake up every morning with the thought in my mind that true love is possible and does exsist. And then I'm going to pray for my fears and apprehensions to be taken away so that I can experience true happiness inside a relationship. Who knows what the possibilities could be if I succeed in doing this and I have high hopes. I think my situation is just going to take more time. I've almost went through a year and a half of this healing/lifestyle change and I feel more like my true self now than I have in 7 years! I have no choice but to have the faith that in another year and half I should be good to go!! :)
Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances
~Benjamin Franklin~
