I think that I have serious issues with contentment. Of all the different stages of my life so far,
my ability to be content has been the one common denominator with each stage
that I struggle with.
So, I’m completely aware that it’s obviously my problem and
there’s no one to blame but myself. I’d
sure love to be able to say that it’s my exes fault, or that job I had one
time, or the fact that I don’t have as much money saved as I feel comfortable
with, but I’d be lying to myself. With
all that being said I still can’t seem to get a grip on it. I know it’s me and I know what it is. Why can’t I fix it… why does it feel so
unattainable?
I think about it
constantly; I pray about it daily. I
desperately WANT to be content with my life and all the facets of it, or at
least I tell myself that. I feel that
things would be a little easier if I could find contentment with all the
different situations and all that encompasses them.
And let me be clear, I’m talking about everything. I don’t feel content with my career, I don’t
feel content with my home, I don’t feel content with my landscaping, I don’t
feel content with my marriage, I don’t feel content with a few aspects of my
son’s upbringing, I don’t feel content with myself, I don’t feel content with
my health, just all kinds of stuff! I’m sure a lot of people out there feel the
same but I get so sick and tired of my endless worrying and constant
strategizing on how I could change or improve.
Is there any such thing as true peace and contentment with one’s
life???
I don’t hear a lot of other people fretting about these same
things, so it somewhat leads to believe that there may be and I just haven’t
found it yet. Some days are worse than
others and some stages of life have been more difficult than others. But the feeling sometimes gets sooo strong
that it’s borderline anxiety. Like I’m
just sitting by waiting for something to happen that never does. And I would label myself as a pretty
ambitious gal. I’ve always been a
go-getter and so I SHOULD be able to achieve this…right? That’s what I’m hearing in my mind and then
when I’m unable to achieve it I get down on myself all over again.
I know I’m an over thinker and an over planner and an over
analyzer so it really shouldn’t surprise me I guess. It just builds constantly and I get to the
point I’m at now where I’m literally about to blow a gasket!!!!
It’s so frustrating that on top of keeping my inner feelings
and thoughts in check, every single thing I watch or read or see from society
tells me the exact opposite thing… That happiness is just around the corner and
all I have to do to reach it is be myself and go to college and marry the love
of my life and blah blah blah. What they
should be telling me through all the subliminal messages is that life is a
freaking mess sometimes and if you’re not really on your toes sometimes it will
knock you on your rear. And once down
on your rear, you’d better watch out for someone to run over you. And that sure… there’s rainy days and sunny
days but always carry an umbrella AND sunscreen because either situation can
get to you.
I laugh with my mom and sister about how fake everything
seems to be these days from advertisements to books to movies, but it also
makes me kind of sad because my whole life I looked up to these things… they
are such a part of our modern day lives that to not let them affect you… you
would have to be a monk living in a third world country or something crazy like
that. It’s all so unavoidable if you live
a halfway normal life. So, unless you’re
the next Mother Teresa or truly have the ability to take it all with a grain of
salt and shake off what you don’t like or what might get to you, then you’re in
the same boat as me and some days require a little extra ranting and glasses of
wine than others!
