Look Out for Sensitive Subjects in Life

Well, I am so happy to be writing that since my two hypnotherapy sessions, I have lost a few pounds and am eating so much healthier.  I’ve still had a few cheat moments but overall my extreme cravings are gone and I feel they are much more manageable.  I truly feel, even now, that it’s a complete mind over matter issue with me.  And I’m the first to admit that my mind is my ultimate weakness.  I struggle with that in many areas of my life; not just with what I eat.

So, the past 6 weeks have left me feeling better about myself and feeling better in general.  Summer has officially arrived and with it the fun summer activities.  The kiddos and I spent a day on the lake a week ago with family and we rented a boat and had the best time out on the water.  Those days are my favorite by far, and we are blessed to live in an area that supports outdoor activities like that.  We love swimming and boating and fishing and that’s where the memories are made. 

On the other hand it is quite strange for the year to be halfway over almost and to think we are halfway to Christmas!  I’m nowhere near ready for that time of the year yet and it seems to be coming sooner than I can get ready.

WARNING: SENSITIVE SUBJECT!

I seem to have trouble writing and “admitting”, even to myself, the problems that I’m having in life.  I honestly start my blog posts and sit here and rack my brain for all the positive things I could talk about.  And I’m sorry to say but other than those few sentences above… I don’t have a lot of positive to share.  So, here comes a little negative… specifically right now its money and financial problems.  I guess it’s hard to admit and be open about it because there’s a bit of a feeling of failure that always follows.  And no one wants to admit or come face to face with their failures.  It is no fun.  But my problems are plaguing my thoughts and daily worry and stress level because I’m so unsure if I’m going to be able to get things paid off and there are now debt collectors calling to set up payment plans.  I’ve let it go for these past 6 months and there’s a point at which they aren’t’ going to allow you to ignore it… you either pay or they are going to garnish my wages!  It’s that serious.  I’ve talked with a few different companies and they are really nice people just doing their jobs like I’m trying to do mine but I just get sick at my stomach each time because I feel that I’ve just failed in something that I really thought I had a good hold on.  I’m a great manager.   I’m awesome at keeping on top of things.  But when my spouse was unemployed for 7 months straight I just let some things go because I couldn’t upkeep the minimum payment and it was all I could do to keep utilities paid and food in the house.  It turned into survival mode instead of paying off debt and getting ahead mode.  So thankfully now he is back on the road working and I’m slowly trying to pull us out of this slump but it’s going to be a long uphill crawl.  And it really sucks! 

Even more than just sucking because we are dishing out large amounts of money each week to various debt collecting agencies, it has put a big wedge between my husband and me.  It’s only natural when bad or unhappy things occur in your life to immediately point the finger in the opposite direction then yourself looking for someone or something to blame.  And in a marriage that is always in the direction of the other person.  We both tried hard in our own ways to avoid it and work through it together but some of those natural reactions and instincts are just too strong to fight against and it’s left us both a little raw and perturbed at each other.  I can hear it with every conversation about money or finances.  I can feel it with every discussion about the remainder of the summer and trying to travel to be together because there is no extra money left to do that.  And I’m 100% sure that if I’m hearing and feeling it every single time then the kids are too at least a little bit.  It makes me sad more than anything because there is no immediate fix.  Time and dedication to get it all paid off is truly the only thing that will lift this burden from us.  In the meantime I’m just praying daily for strength and diligence and discipline to do what needs to be done and then the wisdom to never let it happen again.  I know deep down that’s the only way even though my mind tries to say that’s not fair.  But we got ourselves in it and now we have to take the time to dig our way back out.   

 WHAT A BUMMER RIGHT!!!!  I’m in a bummed mood after writing all that but in a weird way feel slightly better too.  Maybe just because of thinking it all through is a little refreshing.  My usual daily thoughts are like rapid fire and sporadic all day long.  Also completely random so it’s like randomly being hit in gut and feeling crappy afterwards and just about the time it subsides being hit again. 

Man, life just gets you down sometimes with the hard times but I have faith and I’m sticking to it!

Achieving The New in Life

Happy Cinco de Mayo!!!! 

I'm only saying that because it was all over the radio this morning on the way to work and it seems a good opening. 

I've never really celebrated Cinco de Mayo and that's mostly because I'm not hispanic nor do I have any hispanic ethnicity in my family.  I guess I've always assumed it was a holiday for those who are hispanic or for those who live in Mexico.   

I have been struggling with my weight for about the past 4-5 years, and here lately I've really been down on myself.  Right now I am at my heaviest weight ever in my life (even more than I was when I checked into the hospital to give birth to my son).  So, I've been a little depressed about it and I have let it get the better of me.  Over these years I've been successful at several different diet or exercise routines but I can't seem to implement these "fads" as a permanent fixture in my life. 

I know thousands of people struggle with the same thing.  Over the past few years obesity has really come to light and people have embraced this concept and realized that we are in fact doing it all to ourselves.  God didn't create our bodies to be overweight for the majority of our lives.  It's just not possible to maintain our health.  So, I've bounced back and forth with telling myself I'm going to change because I want to be healthy and live a long life or I think I want to change temporarily because I simply want to look better and feel better about myself.  Again, I know this is the main struggle with probably 99.9% of the overweight people attempting a change.  But I truly feel ready for something permanent and since my mind seems to be the most difficult thing to get in gear and it's most certainly the first thing that gives out halfway into a new diet or exercise routine, I've decided this time to conquer my mind first and then start with my physical body. 

How is she going to do this you ask??  I'm going to try hypnotherapy.  Wait, wait, wait just a sec... I promise I've given this some considerable thought and I promise I've done my homework.  NO, I am not expecting to get hypnotized and instantly start dropping pounds.  No, I am not expecting to get hypnotized and miraculously stop eating the bad stuff.  But I am willing to give it a try in order to get my mind in the right place so that I'm not fighting an internal war every single day of my life and maybe I can start a healthy routine and be able to complete it and then keep it going long term.  My hopes are that it will sort of reset myself back to what my basic instincts are.  Instead of craving processed sugar and simple carbs all day everyday... to the point of affecting me emotionally, I'm wanting to crave fruits and veggies.  Instead of wanting an alcoholic beverage to feel relaxed and have a good time, I hope to look for some yoga to do. 

I am a food addict.  I am a sugar addict.  These things I have come to acknowledge about myself.  Just like if I were addicted to cigerettes I could get hypnotized to help lessen the severity of nicotine cravings.  I'm really hoping for the same results just with certain foods.  I actually have a close relative that did hypnotherapy to stop smoking and it was very successful for her.  So, again, I'm opening myself up to it and am going to give it a try.  Everything else in the past has failed, so I know I still haven't found what is going to work for me.  Hopefully this will. 

To All Who Over-Think/Worry/Fret in Life

I think that I have serious issues with contentment.  Of all the different stages of my life so far, my ability to be content has been the one common denominator with each stage that I struggle with. 

So, I’m completely aware that it’s obviously my problem and there’s no one to blame but myself.  I’d sure love to be able to say that it’s my exes fault, or that job I had one time, or the fact that I don’t have as much money saved as I feel comfortable with, but I’d be lying to myself.   With all that being said I still can’t seem to get a grip on it.  I know it’s me and I know what it is.  Why can’t I fix it… why does it feel so unattainable?

 I think about it constantly; I pray about it daily.  I desperately WANT to be content with my life and all the facets of it, or at least I tell myself that.  I feel that things would be a little easier if I could find contentment with all the different situations and all that encompasses them. 

And let me be clear, I’m talking about everything.  I don’t feel content with my career, I don’t feel content with my home, I don’t feel content with my landscaping, I don’t feel content with my marriage, I don’t feel content with a few aspects of my son’s upbringing, I don’t feel content with myself, I don’t feel content with my health,  just all kinds of stuff!  I’m sure a lot of people out there feel the same but I get so sick and tired of my endless worrying and constant strategizing on how I could change or improve.  Is there any such thing as true peace and contentment with one’s life???  

I don’t hear a lot of other people fretting about these same things, so it somewhat leads to believe that there may be and I just haven’t found it yet.  Some days are worse than others and some stages of life have been more difficult than others.  But the feeling sometimes gets sooo strong that it’s borderline anxiety.  Like I’m just sitting by waiting for something to happen that never does.  And I would label myself as a pretty ambitious gal.  I’ve always been a go-getter and so I SHOULD be able to achieve this…right?  That’s what I’m hearing in my mind and then when I’m unable to achieve it I get down on myself all over again. 

I know I’m an over thinker and an over planner and an over analyzer so it really shouldn’t surprise me I guess.  It just builds constantly and I get to the point I’m at now where I’m literally about to blow a gasket!!!!

It’s so frustrating that on top of keeping my inner feelings and thoughts in check, every single thing I watch or read or see from society tells me the exact opposite thing… That happiness is just around the corner and all I have to do to reach it is be myself and go to college and marry the love of my life and blah blah blah.  What they should be telling me through all the subliminal messages is that life is a freaking mess sometimes and if you’re not really on your toes sometimes it will knock you on your rear.   And once down on your rear, you’d better watch out for someone to run over you.  And that sure… there’s rainy days and sunny days but always carry an umbrella AND sunscreen because either situation can get to you. 

I laugh with my mom and sister about how fake everything seems to be these days from advertisements to books to movies, but it also makes me kind of sad because my whole life I looked up to these things… they are such a part of our modern day lives that to not let them affect you… you would have to be a monk living in a third world country or something crazy like that.  It’s all so unavoidable if you live a halfway normal life.  So, unless you’re the next Mother Teresa or truly have the ability to take it all with a grain of salt and shake off what you don’t like or what might get to you, then you’re in the same boat as me and some days require a little extra ranting and glasses of wine than others!

The Mother in Life

Why do we feel the need to express ourselves in writing?  Why does the urge overtake us?  And why when I ignore it does it haunt my mind until I do? 


I guess most people would explain this away to being a creative soul and needing to express your inner self through this particular medium or maybe the need or desire to be heard but are unable to simply say needed things, so writing takes the place of.  I don't know.  But here I am... an embarrassing 1 year and eight months later.  Why I feel embarrassed I'm not sure, but I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that this is not a secure or private place.  It is public and being so subjects me to a certain amount of judgment or criticism.  Why should I care about those thoughts... this is for me.  This is to help my inner self.  This is to be a relief for my incessant thoughts and worries.  This is mine.


When I was young I had several journals or diaries.  It seemed that my writing in them was always waning and flowing.  It was all the time or not at all.  So, I guess this is just how I am.  Sometimes I have something to say and other times I simply don't.  These past months I haven't.  Or at least not to the general public.  I've certainly talked a lot to God.  Trying to make sense of some things; wanting to forget others.  But the time has come and I'm in the mood for some writing.


So much has changed, and I'm not going to bore myself or any of you trying to play catch up or fill you in on all that has transpired.  What's on my mind is the here and now and so that is what's needing out of my head. 


As a mother, I want the absolute best for my Lil Man.  I daydream and imagine the greatest of all great things for him to have access to and to learn from or to get to do or to always eat at mealtimes... and so on and so on.  But the reality of this balancing act all mothers are more than likely doing every single day is that what we imagine and want for our child is probably the exact opposite of what our child wants!  HA and the joke is on us.  I was blessed with one of the most strong-willed and intelligent little boys (never said a mother) and I'm sure God just smiles down on me every day and gleams because it's a constant battle of the wills around my house.  We have the battle of taking a big boy shower verses a bath (which takes him triple the amount of time), and then we have the battle of what we will eat for breakfast that keeps us on time for work and school, and the battle of who will pick his clothes out and bring them to him... Me or him?  But the biggest and most frequent is always the battle of eating all the vegetables put on his plate at dinner time.  It never ceases to amaze me the most creative and intricately thought out ideas and excuses he comes up with as to why he shouldn't eat all of the veggies.  Or how his belly mysteriously ALWAYS starts hurting when he comes to that portion of his meal.  Wow, it's getting my heart beating faster just reliving this exhausting ordeal of me trying, with no avail, to convince him that he should and is going to eat them OR ELSE... and him just as strong-willed as I am, arguing back that he's not.  I know this is an age old problem and I know that every mother on the planet... and every mother that has ever lived on the planet battled the very same thing.  Which is actually making matters worse for me because in my mind that says... THERE IS NO MAGIC FIX TO THIS PROBLEM and all those commercials you see with a nice, beautiful family all gathered around a perfectly decorated and set table for dinner is fake and someone is having to pay those child actors insane amounts of money simply to get them to sit there and fake eat their veggies!  PHEWWW! 


So, I have come to the absolute best solution and I just know that this is going to help, possibly save, the group of young mothers who literally cringe at the thought of preparing dinner... here we go... are you ready... I have more or less raised my white flag and surrendered to the enemy and here's my great philosophical and logical reason why... I myself was a picky eater as a kid and I remember having issues with certain foods, veggies, and my mother didn't have to have a yelling, screaming, battle of the wills war with me every single night.  I went to my mother and asked what the heck did you ultimately do and how did you get us to turn out the way we are now, which isn't so bad ya know!  And she very wisely said back to me "You and your sister, after a few years, learned to like corn and green beans.  So, we ate A LOT of corn and green beans".  :)


I'm still currently trying to find my son's "corn" and "green beans" but very simply put I have stopped letting the food issue run our lives... ok, I'm still trying to not let it run our lives.  And my every day hope is that he will learn to like things on his own one day so I don't have to be such a food cop towards him all the time monitoring what he's eating. 


Until next time, God Bless!            

Breaks of Life

My dearest readers,
I’m writing to apologize for my 6 month absence.  Something very difficult has happened in my life and I’ve been waiting in hopes I could build up the courage to write about it.  Unfortunately, it still hasn’t come.  And maybe I won’t ever be able to write about it; even though writing is the one thing I’ve used to help myself through situations like this in the past.  This is different.  As the months have passed me by and I’ve timidly stayed off my blog, I have been able to find God’s grace and new blessings that have come out of this time.  I’m still worried and battle every day the fear that things may never be as they once were, but I know my Lord has a plan, so for now I’m sticking to it the best I can!

My husband is back on the road again.  He's getting to spend the summer working in Michigan so it looks like the kids and I get to vacation to Michigan two summers in a row!  Having him home for 5 months was amazing.  I think God worked his work schedule out to accommodate our family through this difficult time and I'm so thankful for that.  Life together (married) so far, 8 months in to be exact, is going wonderfully!  The kids have adjusted so well to living together and all that comes with that.  I try to slow down as much as I can and really take it all in because they are already 5 and almost 8 and before I know it it’s going to be their high school graduation and they won’t be in our home any longer.  So, regardless of the outside world and all that it brings on us, we are going to work hard on building these children into what God has meant them to be.  It’s definitely hard without my husband home on a regular basis but it works for us and the days apart only make us feel closer to one another.  Strange as it sounds it’s so true!  

I want to say thank you to all of you who still get on and read my blog.  I thought with no recent posts the traffic would dwindle away but it has definitely warmed my heart the few times I’ve been on here, just to read the blogs that I follow, and seen a few hits throughout the weeks.  God Bless!

I hope to get back in the habit of posting at least once or twice a month.  Until then, here are a few pics to illustrate how our year has been so far…

We threw a surprise 50th birthday party for my Uncle on Feb. 23rd and this is the photo booth I set up to get funny pictures of all the guests that attended.  My sister and my Lil man. 

My husband and I

My sister and I

My sister and I again

Ok, we definitely had the most fun with it but who wouldn't! :)

My mother, father and Lil Man.

My Lil Man turned 5 the beginning of March.  We had an angry birds party with all our friends and family.

He's definitely growing up so fast.  I don't know why the 5th birthday seems like such a milestone but either way it was a great day and he's now very eagerly awaiting the start of kindergarten.   

One of my best friends and her wonderful fiancé officially tied the knot and I was so honored to help out by taking their pictures.  Congrats! 

For my mother-in-law we decided to surprise her with a picture of her 4 grandchildren all together for Mother's Day.  This afternoon was a lot of fun with my stepdaughter, my Lil Man, and their two cousins.   

This definitely would've been a cute pose but the sun was in their eyes and they thought it was hilarious.  Still very precious!

For the first time we decided to play t-ball this year!

He loves it!

My Lil Man's preschool graduation.  He's in the middle with khakis and a navy shirt on.

He looks so grown up!  I just can't believe it sometimes... he's such a blessing!

Well, that pretty much brings us to now.  2013, so far, has caught me off guard, made me cry, made me laugh, made me miss certain things, allowed me to enjoy new things, and overall been ok.  It's so easy to get down in the negative parts of life but to stay with only the positive may be some work but the rewards are worth it.  Thank you!

Holiday is Over and Another Year of Life

It's always so amazing to me that the year has come to an end.  I try to look back and reflect and take the time to be as prepared as I can for the year to come but I'm just not feeling that way this year.  I feel like 2012 was an enormous hurdle that took me a long time to get to and then took a lot of effort to get over.  I'm so happy with everything that has taken place and at the very same time I'm still exhausted from them.  We are all still working on getting life on track and schedule but it feels so good to be doing all of that and planning and preparing with the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with... my one true love.  I thank my Lord everyday for the year 2012 and I always will. 

Christmas turned out to be a truly spectacular event for my family but not for hundreds or thousands around us.  Winter storm Euclid gave my family in Arkansas an amazing evening that turned into a snow covered winterland by the next morning.  We all stayed at my parents house that night and waking up the next morning and running out to play in the 10-12 inches of snow was an absolute blast.  My son, just like at the beach this past summer, was literaaly just running and falling in it everywhere.  It looked as if he was trying to swim in the snow.  By 11:00 am or so we all finally went in to eat breakfast and then dressed back up to go right back out.  The storm set records for overall amount that accumulated as well as for coming on Christmas Day.  So many families were not as lucky as we were and I know that some are still without power.  My prayers go out to them as well as all  of our Entergy men and women working around the clock to fix it.

Me and my Lil Man making snowballs.

My sister enjoying her coffee out in the snow.

   

Our snowman in the making.

Papaw and my brother in law getting in on the action!

 

My sister and her husband putting on the finishing touches.

Finally.... Freddy, Frosty's brother, is complete!



Tada!!!!!

Ending this past year like this definitely puts a smile on my face and love in my heart.  Snow is always so special because it reminds me of my childhood up north and I love getting to do all these fun things with my son when it comes along down here in the south.  I couldn't ask for a better family or better people to be in my life at this moment.  All of the support and love that's been showered on us through everything that's happened this past year takes my breath away.  We are truly blessed.

Happy New Year!

Thankful for Life as Predicted

As predicted, life has most certainly slowed down a little bit.  The last 4 weeks of the year are my favorite at work because we go all out and decorate for Christmas.  The office is a beautiful building and a wonderful space regularly but exceptionally so during the holidays.  This is also the time of year that my family spends the most time together.  I love everyone traveling home to all pile into my parent’s 3 bedroom house.  We blow up air mattresses and bunk for a few days and nights together doing nothing but eating, drinking, and playing games or watching movies.  It’s simple but it’s our time and it’s my favorite. 

As far as Thanksgiving goes, we do not get together unless everyone just so happens to be home because it’s too much to take off from work for that holiday and then turn around and do the same thing for Christmas just a few weeks later.  I did, however, go over to my new in-laws house for lunch and get to visit and celebrate with them.  This year, the one thing that I’m the most thankful for is my happiness.  That may not sound like very much, but considering what life was like for me at one point in time I’m ever so thankful that I’ve been able to move on and recover from that part of myself.  I didn’t even realize that that was what I had lost but it was and having it back now is such a joy.  I’m a completely different mother, a different worker, a different significant other, and a different family member.  Life has its ups and downs and being a happy person gives me the ability to deal with both in a positive way.  My Lord promises never to let His will take me where His grace will not protect me and I’m thankful to have a testimony of that.       

Married life two months in couldn’t be any better.  Since my husband had to go back to work immediately after our wedding weekend we have waited and planned a little honeymoon for the week right before Christmas.  He will be home by then and we are going to take off to Puerto Rico for a week and lay on the beach.   I wanted to vacation somewhere warm and believe it or not Puerto Rico is one of the most beautiful islands and most reasonably priced in the Caribbean.  I’ve already started on my packing list I’m that anxious to get away with him! J  Our lives are a constant trip to here or there because he’s a pipeliner and always gone.  Unless it’s a time when he’s in between jobs we only get to see each other if I make a road trip to wherever he’s at.  Over so much time, with no break, that gets very hard, but for now I’m proud of how we’ve both handled it.  It’s never easy but we just reach a point where you accept it because it is what it is and spending time upset or angry about it does the situation no good.  I’m proud of the work he does and always look so forward to the time he’s at home. 

I feel like I’m never able to get on here and really write like I used to because of work and kids and pictures and now husband but in all honesty I don’t have anything else to write about.  Life is so good and that’s a good thing for us.  Holidays and being newly married is all for now…. I’m looking at that as a blessing that there’s nothing more to report on in life.

Until next time enjoy the holidays and all that comes with it.